Half past 10
It's Sunday or something
Yet again
I wake with that feeling
What in God's name
Possessed me to say those things?
I am a twat.
I'm such a twat.
The situation escalates
With paranoia
And self hate
'Cos at the time
I thought that I
Was being so funny
And so great
And then I thought that I was totally justified
When I cried and cried and cried and cried.
And cried and cried and cried.
And cried.
And cried.
So you pick up the phone
And ring your good good friend
You know you don't have to
But you wanna explain
At the start of the night
We were giggly and close
In the middle I was tiddly
And overly verbose
By the end I was plain boring
Tediously morose
So I guess I'm just calling to say
That I'm sorry I'm a twat
I was messed up on red wine
I'm not normally like that.
And she's, like, "hey hey hey
That's OK
You're my friend and you were just fine
And I know what it's like
To be messed up on red wine
Though I have to admit
It entertained me a bit
When you saw a little bagpuss
And started crying again".
This place is wonderful
There's music and there's alcohol
This place is wonderful
There's music and there's alcohol here.
So you pick up the phone
And ring the pub you were in last
You know you don't have to
But you're scared that you're barred
At the start of the night
I was sweetness and light
In the middle I was tiddly
But vaguely polite
By the end I asked your bar maid
If you wanted a fight
So I guess I'm just calling to say
That I'm sorry I'm a twat
I was screwed up cider I'm not normally like that .
And he's like "hey hey hey that's OK
'Cos you're not much of a fighter
And I know what it's like
To be screwed up on cider
If I barred everyone
Who was stupid when drunk
I'd have an empty pub
Which though appealing
Isn't really economically realistic".
This place...
So you pick up the phone
And it's the hardest one yet
'Cos it's your other half
And you've a lot to regret
At the start of the night
I missed you and were sad
In the middle I was tiddly
And boasting like mad
By the end I was unfaithful
And I'm feeling so bad
So I guess Im just calling to say
That I'm sorry I'm a twat
I was fucked up on vodka
I'm not normally like that
And she's like "hey hey hey
That's ok
I forgive ya
'Cos I love ya
And I know what it's like
To be fucked up on vodka
If you do it again
I will kill you in the night
And make it look like an accident
This place is wonderful
There's alcohol and music here
Any time spent worrying
Is wasted time and energy
So the moral of this story
Is self explanatory
If you're messed up
On red wine
Be sure you have a happy time
If you're screwed up on cider
Be sure you don't get violent
If you're fucked up on vodka
Then come and see me after
credits
from Problem Pages,
released December 10, 2004
Music & lyrics by R. Swayne
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